Last January, I had the opportunity to be interviewed by Tim Challies on the topic of my book, which is slated to be released on (or about) October 1, of this year. Since then many women have contacted me after discovering that their husbands are addicted to porn and they are looking for answers.
If you are looking for help in this area, I want to give you one piece of important information; my book now has an official title. (This was not the case last January and “Mosaic Heart” was just the working title.) The title you will want to be looking for is When Your Husband is Addicted to Pornography ~ Healing for Your Wounded Heart. New Growth Press is publishing my book.
Here’s what you can look forward to …
My prayer is that you will focus your eyes on the God of Hope, rather than basing your hope and happiness on your husband’s choices. Learning to allow God to meet your greatest needs is a long and learned process, probably longer than the amount of time it will take to go through my interactive book. It’s a slow dance through brokenness in the arms of the Almighty. I know. I’ve been in your shoes and I’ve learned the intricate steps to finding Hope in the midst of a husband’s addiction to pornography.
As you work your way through the book, learning how to let God heal your heart, you will also be dealing with your damaged emotions and painful sexual experience—total healing.
More than anything, I want you, my reader, to know you are not alone or abnormal in your experience and the ensuing feelings that come with a husband’s choice to engage in pornography. I do this by providing true, first-hand accounts from 26 other women who have made it through or are successfully navigating sexual betrayal.
When Your Husband is Addicted to Pornography is interactive, giving you ample opportunity to engage in Scripture related to the stages of healing your heart. Guiding questions and plenty of white space give you a place to process your own story and discover how what you are learning in When Your Husband is Addicted to Pornography applies to your unique situation. As a result, you are able to redeem the pain of your own sexual betrayal in the wake of your husband’s pornography addiction, and embrace personal and spiritual growth.
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My (now) ex-husband was addicted to porn via the Internet and more than anything else it contributed to us getting divorced. It’s been two years since I found out that he was a porn addict and just over a year that we got separated and I’ll not sure I will ever be able to forgive him, mostly because deep inside I don’t want to. I guess I enjoy hating him for what he did to us.
That’s a very honest comment, Casha. I’m sorry you’ve had to walk this path at all. My first marriage also ended because of pornography. I certainly felt just as you do now. I can tell you that in time, that didn’t really work for me anymore. I didn’t like the feeling of hating and I needed to deal with those feelings, not for him … for me. I hope you’ll check out the book when it releases in October. It’s not only for women who are still married, but those who are trying to deal with their wounded heart, regardless of their current marriage status.
My turn for a question, is findhisporn.com your website?
Wishing you all the best! Vicki
Where can I purchase this? I have looked and I can’t seem to find it.
Sarah,
My book doesn’t release until October, unfortunately. I just received a thumbprint of the cover. I’ll post it in a new blog.
When it’s released it should be very easy to find!
Best wishes and praying for you,
Vicki
Just found you through Challies.com and feel so blessed that I have. I wish your book were available now, it spoke right to my heart. I had just declared myself broken and when I read your words about this topic all I could do was nod. So glad you have written a book to help women heal from this addiction that isn’t their own, but greatly impacts them.
Thank you for your courage, hard work and commitment to Truth. Though I have read a few excellent books about the subject of porn addiction (Schaumburg, Beall), your list of things that a wife can and/or should not do, (Tim Challis interview) continue to challenge me and steady me, especially on those days when I am tempted to give up, or just find it hard to breathe. The list is excellent. Though my husband has experienced a true “sexual redemption”, and has found wise and ongoing counsel, I am sobered by the lack of quality support for spouses. Today would be a nice day to have your book in hand. =)
I just found this today and I wish your book was already out. I found out a year ago that my husband has been into pornography and has collected pictures of women our entire marriage (almost 17 years). I have been in Christian counseling for a year now. My husband doesn’t really think pornography is a problem. After all, he says, it’s just pictures and I haven’t touched another woman. I feel so betrayed and, like Lena, I have many days when I find it hard to breathe. It is good to know that I am not alone in feeling that this is a betrayal and a form of adultery. The “feeling” I get from “society” is that it’s not really a problem and why am I complaining anyway. There is even a Web MD article saying it’s not really a problem. I knew in my heart it was a problem and I knew there were men who didn’t engage in pornography. Because my husband has not made a committment to stop his addiction, I am filing for divorce tomorrow. Thank you for reinforcing that I need to lay my pain at the feet of God.
Oh, Karen. I.am.so.sorry. I’m lifting you to the Lord in prayer and am so thankful you’ve found a good counselor. My book comes out in October. The name has changed since the interview. It’s “When Your Husband is Accidted to Pornography ~ Healing Your Wounded Heart.” Even though your divorce will be final by then – no doubt – I encourage you to still get the book. Will you be moving? If you’d like to email me at vicki@vickitiede.com and give me your contact information, I’ll make sure to let you know when the book is available. God can and will do beautiful things with the broken pieces of your heart.Psalm 147:3
I knew my husband had struggled with porn in his past, he transparently shared that he was an addict for 25 years. He shared with me openly when we met and how God had healed him. We were so happy to have found each other. We had both been previously married for 18 & 19 years to people who committed repeated adultery, in the end, they divorced us. We met, we were only going to be friends, but God seemed to have a different plan. We pray together every morning. I have felt like I was living in a dream, he seemed to be the man I had prayed for, hoped for, and longed for all of my life. He was the first man that I felt I could trust in my life, after years of chronic sexual abuse, physical abuse, and emotional abuse. We prayed about having an “ours” baby, miraculously, we conceived after God gavel us the “go ahead”sign…only to miscarry. I was struggling with the loss, so we agreed I should visit my mom in Florida. Three weeks to the day that I lost our child, I received a phone call while at my mothers… It was my husband… He told me that he binged on porn the night before for several hours. He swears that he hasn’t even desired to do this since long before we met. I am absolutely crushed. We had previously said this was a deal breaker. ANY form of adultery. Because we never wanted to go through the pain of betrayal again…. and here I am. Betrayed by the one I thought would never. My heart is shattered as is the marriage as I once viewed it. He is completely remorseful and repentant, seeking professional counseling and accountability… Yet here I am still sinking in the ache and wake of the devastation that has been leveled over my life. I am praying to be a blessing, yet at the same time I can’t deny the strong swing of emotions that I have on the subject. I am anxiously awaiting your book. I know that my God is bigger than this. He has a plan to grow us both. I have no idea how this story will end… I just cling to HIS PROMISES, His word, knowing that it is all for my eternal good, and HIS eternal glory. Praying for you as things wrap up with your book, and looking forward to reading it.
Becky, I’m going to send you a private email. Watch for it.
I am sitting here tonight reeling from the new found knowledge that my husband has been viewing porn while staying late at work. He has lied to me every time he has done this. He has made me feel bad for asking why he is at work so late. I feel very betrayed. Especially because we have been committed to a marital study each week on love and respect (Eph. 5:33) and have been making good progress. When I confronted him with the images I discovered by mistake on our laptop, he excused his behavior as something that started a while ago when we were struggling. I am at a total loss. I told him to stop trying to cover it up because I could see exactly when he looked at this stuff. It was a couple of days ago! I believe this is adultery! I told him that he has totally ruined any hope for a sexual relationship with me as I am not going to be his fetish. The stuff he’s looking at is so awful. I have prayed all day for God to open the door to my heart for my husband. To see him as God sees him, a sinner in need of forgiveness. I tried to call him so we could discuss this but he will not answer my calls. This may be the end for us. I believe he will simply walk away from me rather than face his responsibility. What can I do? I can’t talk to anyone else about this. I have dealt with this before but I believe it has gotten much worse. I feel so sick from it.
Laura, I’m praying right now that our God would wrap His arms around you and help you find comfort and peace in the face of this betrayal. I’m also praying that in the heat of this situation, when emotions are running on high,that neither you or your husband would say or do anything rash.
I apologize for not getting back to you sooner. Your email went to my junk box, which often happens with notes on this subject. I’m glad I found it.
It sounds like you’ve had some problems in the past in your marriage. Are you seeing a Christian counselor by any chance? I would encourage you and your husband to seek one out if you are not already seeing someone. The book you are reading is excellent and I’m happy to hear you are working through it.
In Christ there is absolutely hope for restoration in your marriage and hope for the healing of your heart. Though this may not seem like a comforting fact, 50% of Christian men struggle with this addiction. CHRISTIAN men. Yes, he is putting distance between himself and Christ, but if your husband has accepted Christ as his Savior, then he still belongs to Christ. You can’t make him make different choices, but the Holy Spirit can.
My book will release in 5 months. If you’ve read my other comments below, you know the title is “When Your Husband is Addicted to Pornography ~ Healing Your Wounded Heart.” Until you are able to get your hands on it, I pray you find a counselor and that your husband finds an accountablity partner. There are excellent filters available for the computer too.
If you’d like to email me your snail mail address, I’ll gladly put you on my list of people to send a postcard to when the book is available.
In the gap,
Vicki
Becky, I have never posted anything on the internet before but felt compelled to do so. I found out on May 4th that our baby had no heartbeat and on my birthday a couple days before Mother’s Day discovered that my husband was watching porn on the internet on the evening we found out about the baby. I am still waiting to naturally miscarry. I know that the grief of these two things is overwhelming – as my girlfriend calls it – the perfect storm. I have known for 20 years that my husband has this problem. I gave him an ultimatum this time – he must choose between the porn and me. I gave him a week to get into counseling and he went last night.
I have seen your blog and believe that you deeply love your husband. I dare not leave a message there so I hope you see this post. I can truly say that I know how difficult this is and I will pray for you and try to encourage you. You are feeling so much loss right now that it must be difficult to breathe at times. God will heal your broken heart but it is OK if it takes time. Everyone deals with grief in their own way and on their own timetable. I am not defending our husbands or excusing their behavior by any means but I believe that their grief over the loss took them to a place they struggled to return from. Satan clearly used the loss to take them down a terrible path again.
Be encouraged by your husband’s remorse and willingness to seek help. We are the blessed wives – so many husbands refuse to see it as a problem. Wow! I think I just called myself a blessed wife in the midst of all this turmoil. God will heal your heart and will give you forgiveness towards your husband – I have no doubt.
My heart aches for you and your husband. God loves you and will never forsake you.
Praying,
Virginia
Virginia,you are evidence of 2 Corinthians 1:3-4 in action … “Blessed be the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Chirst, the Father of mercies and God of all comfort, who comforts us in all our affliction so that we will be able to comfort those who are in any affliction with the comfort with which we ourselves are comforted by God.” Dear one, I will be praying for you as you grieve the loss of your precious little one. I am praising God for your courage to take difficult steps in order to fight for your marriage. I will continue to pray for your husband’s counseling and for the healing and complete restoration of your body, heart, and marriage. God bless you, Virginia.
Thank you for posting real and helpful information and counsel. I have been married for 15 years and the addiction (I had not idea about this before marriage) came into play right from the beginning…a “friend” installed our first computer with a porn video on the desktop. My husband went into treatment after about 8 years of marriage and has been in counseling and with an accountability partner since (on and off). Over the years I have felt so terribly alone. I have good friends but this is not something you share with more that one or two people because of fear of hurting people and your family. Plus, once the ground of betrayal has been laid, there is an experience of aloneness in the relationship because on some level you always know there is a bed of lies underneath the hum of everyday happenings.
I have spend so much time and money working on myself, talking to counselors, crying, going through all of the stages of grief. I recently knew something was wrong because my husband was being very mean to our oldest (2 boys—ages 9 and 1) and zoning out on video games. He admitted that he started looking at porn again about 5 mos ago.
I feel like a fool. I feel exhausted, sad, in shock. He knows it is a problem, but why is this still a dark struggle? I feel that all of my choices are now poor because of his…either stay and have this unpredictable, crushing addiction erode my heart and life OR leave and my children will most certainly be impacted by that. I am a very spiritual person who has been committed to well-being and authenticity. My well-being is impacted either way, and I would certainly be wary to even try for love again (which is course what I would long for) because it seems that most men are involved with this darkness. I am just feeling a bit hopeless at the moment.
Oh Shel, How I wish I could sit across from you right now and look into your eyes and tell you there is hope! Since I cannot do that I pray Romans 15:13 for you. ” May the God of hope fill you with all joy and peace in believing, so that by the power of the Holy Spirit you may abound in hope.”
I also wish I could mail you Vicki’s book today. To get it in your hands so you can begin to heal no matter where your husband is at the moment in his struggle. Could I send you a postcard in Oct. when the book comes out? Also Vicki is beginning to blog monthly and soon twice monthly on the topic of a husband’s addiction to pornography. Please continue to read her blog. If you need immediate help we recommend speaking to a certified Christian counselor. Pure Life Ministries can be reached at 1-888-purelife or Focus on the Family 1-800-afamily.
I want to leave you with some words from When Your Husband is Addicted to Pornography: Healing the Wounded Heart.
“There is something to be said for the hardest, most painful, gut wrenching times in our lives. It is there, in the dark nights of the soul, that Christ meets us. He picks up the pieces of our heart and heals the wounds. wounds of the heart, of the soul, of the spirit – He puts the pieces together in such a way that we are never quite the same as we were before He touched our most vulnerable places. He creates a new mosaic-a life unimaginable.
I am convinced that God has a plan for your life, and it’s good. He can’t be anything but good. Do you believe it?”
Shel, I pray that you would believe it and cling to His promises with all your life no matter where in the struggle your husband is. Vicki and I are in prayer for you, dear sister.
Blessings to you,
Heidi
Blog Moderator
Hi Vicki,
I just came across your blog and I want to comment because I feel like I have no one to talk to about this. I have been married to my husband for a year and I found out that he was addicted to porn after we got married. I came across one video about 3 months into our marraige and he lied to me saying someone else used the computer but then I checked the dates and realized they were days when he was home alone. Since the first time I have caught him numerous times in a lie. We have a 4 month old baby boy so it has been really hard for me. I really am at my last straw and Im leaning towards divorce! I forgave him the first couple of times but it seems like he just took advantage of me and continued to gratify himself. I have tried talking to my pastors wife about this but all she does is try to point out what I do wrong. I admit I am not perfect and I have been dealing with a lot of unforgiveness and bitterness but I am getting help to figure out the root of that, but he has gone to far! I feel so alone because I have no one to talk to. Inspite of what he’s done to me, I will not tell my family because I know that they will never look at him the same. I don’t feel like I can ever trust my husband again! This hurts so bad!
I can’t believe I’m here…My husband and I have been together since 8th grade, we met in 4th at Sunday School. Needless to say I felt “safe”. We both were saved as children and though our childhoods were far from perfect we had each other. I was so proud of my husband for being able to avoid the stronghold of this world. As we are told to, I constantly bragged on him in this area to my friends and family in order to lift him up and let him know I truly respected him because of this. I have delt with porn issues from my childhood and my husband knew just how hurt I had been by it. Just 2 months ago he went to a mens retreat. He called me from there to tell me. He had been looking at it for years. Talk about a punch in the stomach. I knew to be realistic, that yes movies and adds were screaming his name, but not actual porn. He has committed to stop and I believe he has, I have forgiven him. But my trust is slow, and my pain won’t go away. How am I not supposed to compare myself to those thousands of women. Not to mention my husband thinks because he has stopped and recomitted himself, that I should be fine. That I should be over it. I try to push it aside, to keep living in joy, but all I really want to do is cry. I am in complete shock that these things I have already left at the cross have came back to haunt me. It took me 15 years to get the strength I had, and now I’m back at square one. Unsure and scared, feeling not enough.
My husband has been trying to conquer this addiction for a long time now. We have been married for a year and a half. I knew about it before we got married but he was set up with triple X church and an accountability partner and told me he had not looked at it in a while. I did not think that it would still be such a struggle for him. He does not look at it frequently but he slips up every couple of months. Every time he does it cuts me like a dagger. We have been talking about starting a family soon but now I feel like I can’t risk starting a family with this huge cloud above our relationship. I just feel so crushed and alone. Even though I know it is nothing I have done I just can’t shake the feeling that I am not enough. I just don’t know what to do right now. I told him yesterday that if he doesn’t get some serious help immediately it will end our marriage. I just don’t understand if he really does love me how he can keep doing it when he knows how much it hurts me.
I have been married to a wonderful caring man for four years, we have no children and are both in our 20’s. we are both saved by Jesus Christ and work with our youth group. My husband recently told me he has been watching porn at least once a week for the past four years. I was in shock because anytime any provacative woman would come on Tv he skilled look away because he said he only wanted to look at me, I always bragged on him because of that. I realize that him overcoming this spirit of pornography is not about me but about his healing and victory. My flesh though wants to be a victim, it wanted to make the situation about me and my hurt and I know that ultimately won’t help him in his journey to overcome this. I just ordered your book & cannot wait to receive it. I have to bind and fight against all the terrible thoughts that try come into my mind everyday but I ultimately know those destructive wondering thoughts about him and the trash he watched is not from God. I truly am trying to trying not to make this about me but I so hurt I physically am in pain. I know he will be able to overcome this and use it as a testimony to help other men & couples in the future.
Please, pray for my marriage. This hurts a lot.