I think from the time we are little girls until we die, we long to be irreplaceable in the eyes of those who love us most. When we grow up and get married, we long to meet the needs of our husbands that are uniquely ours to meet. Certainly we long to meet their emotional and relational needs, but more importantly, we long to meet their physical needs.
When you discover your husband’s addiction to pornography, you suddenly felt replaced. Am I right? How does a mother who’s exhausted from caring for little ones and working all day compete with a digitally enhanced woman whose every flaw has been Photoshopped to perfection? Perhaps well-meaning friends, family, in-laws, a counselor, or pastor suggested that if you put on a little makeup, lost a little weight, or met your husband’s sexual needs more regularly this never would have happened … or perhaps you could fix this situation.
You.Are.Not.In.A.Position.To.Fix.Your.Husband. Only God can do that.
In my first marriage, I remember clearly driving my car to the edge of the city one night. I was a thousand miles away from my immediate family who had no idea what I was going through. I felt absolutely alone, but for the company of a million twinkling stars in an otherwise very dark sky. My heart was broken into too many pieces to count. I remember crying out to God and telling Him,
Abba Father, i am yours. I need someone to hold me. I hurt so badly. I’m not my husband’s one and only. He doesn’t need me. He doesn’t want me. I’ve been replaced.
When I ran out of tissues and words for God I started my car and prepared to go home. That’s when a song started playing that I knew was God’s response to my pleas. Through that song, sung by an a cappella group, He reminded me that I wasn’t alone, that he knew my pain and sorrowed with me. He assured me that no matter what my deceived heart might tell me, he saw me as perfect and blameless.
Friend, you are the apple of God’s eye. To Him, you are irreplaceable.
Up! Escape to Zion, you who dwell with the daughter of Babylon.
For thus said the LORD of hosts, after his glory sent me to the nations
who plundered you, for he who touches you touches the apple of his eye.
Behold, I will shake my hand over them, and they shall become plunder
for those who served them. Then you will know that the LORD of hosts has sent me.
Zechariah 2:7–9 (italics mine)
My book, When Your Husband is Addicted to Pornography … Healing Your Wounded Heart will release from New Growth Press in October (2012).
After the Shock – Moving from Despair to Healing and Hope
The news was hard enough–the person closest to you in the world, your life partner, is struggling with pornography. But now, although the shock might have worn off, you are still reeling–feeling shattered, betrayed, alone. Where do you turn? Who do you turn to? Vicki Tiede, writing from personal experience, reminds you that no matter how you are feeling right now, you are not alone. You can turn to the God of all comfort and hope who promises to never leave you or forsake you.
When Your Husband Is Addicted to Pornography: Healing Your Wounded Heart is written to help you turn to God and away from despair. Healing comes as you learn to focus your eyes on Jesus and allow him to meet your needs rather than basing your hope and happiness on your husband’s choices. Vicki Tiede guides you through this process by focusing on six important topics: hope, surrender, trust, identity, brokenness, and forgiveness. Allowing God to meet your greatest needs is a long and learned process, but he promises to help you every step of the way.