A friend at church recently asked, “What makes When Your Husband is Addicted to Pornography different than other books written for women on this subject?” I explained that this book is not meant to give her tools and skills to fix her husband. It is for and about her, not her husband.
For 10 years I’ve been speaking at conferences and retreats for women. Regardless of what I’m asked to speak about, at some point, my story comes into the picture. As a result, I meet many women who share their own stories with me. I can’t tell you how many stairwells I’ve sat in with a cup of coffee and a box of tissues as a sister-in-Christ poured out her own journey of walking with a husband addicted to pornography. [Once I slipped out at 7:00 a.m. on the final morning of a retreat to take a load of stuff to my car, I found a woman waiting for me at my car. I invited her back to my room and she curled up on my bed while I put on my makeup. I put it on twice that morning. Once before her story and fresh eyes after her story.]
Too often women tell me that after their husband revealed his addiction, he went to counseling, joined an accountability group, used filtering software … in other words, he did all the “right” things, but she is still hurting, doesn’t trust him, feels betrayed, won’t let him touch her, is angry … There are great books that will help a woman understand her husband’s addiction [I reference them in the appendix of my book], but I wrote my book to help her deal with her heart and these issues.
I’m not a counselor, but I am a wife whose heart has been restored after experiencing the betrayal associated with a husband addicted to pornography, and I have a deep love for the Wonderful Counselor. I feel strongly that Jesus is best equipped to tend to a broken heart and offer hope and healing to a woman regardless of her husband’s daily choices about pornography.
I want you (my reader) to know that this is not your fault. In the end, we are all responsible for ourselves and how we walk in obedience to God’s Word—or don’t. You can’t control your husband’s choices. I also want to assure you that Jesus can and will take the broken pieces of your heart and make something beautiful. Psalm 147:3 confirms that “He heals the brokenhearted and binds up their wounds.”
When Your Husband is Addicted to Pornography by Vicki Tiede from FREEDOM BEGINS HERE on Vimeo.
If we believe the statistics, 50-70% of Christian men are struggling with pornography. As I said on the video, it stands to reason then that the women who love them (wives, girlfriends) are also hurting.
How has this been handled in your circles of influence?
Do people (women) talk about it? Why/Why not?
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Vicki,
I caught the Janet Parshall radio broadcast today in which you were her guest talking about your experience with a husband addicted to porn. When the show came on I was in my car driving, so I pulled over and listened for the next hour. I called in, but didn’t get on the show, so I am writing to you now.
I have gone through the same thing with my husband; pornography is a silent epidemic that is destroying people, families, and marriages. I have felt so alone in this whole ugly pornography struggle— the betrayal, the destruction of trust, the anger, the isolation, and the pain—that, at times I struggle to breathe. It was surreal for me to hear all the heart-broken women who called into the show today expressing their hurt and pain over their husbands pornography addiction, I could so-relate with them all.
My husband of twenty-seven years was addicted to porn for the last 10 years of our marriage. Although he was well educated, a good dad, and held a very good government job, his porn addiction ruined so much of the man I had once known and fell in love with years ago. I saw so many personality changes in him over the years, and towards the end, his outbursts of anger became more severe and were alienating him more and more from family and friends.
I have to admit that I was not always completely sure he had an addiction in the earlier years, but I suspected something was going on. All the porn addiction signs were there, but I just couldn’t make sense of them— the lack of social interest, pulling away from family and friends, making sure there was no history left on the computer, angry outbursts and irrational thinking and behavior, and of course, little to no interest in intimacy with me. Things just didn’t add up over the years as we struggled through our marriage, but I could not put my finger on what was wrong. When I was highly suspicious something was up, I did confront him, in hopes of getting him to see he needed help and counseling. But he was enraged at my suspicions and denied he had a problem and told me that I was the one who was not seeing things right, vehemently telling me I was crazy and that I should be the one who gets counseling. His incensed attitude caused me to question myself and wonder if I was making a mountain out of a mole hill, so I backed off. More time rolled by, and then one day last year, my husband downloaded a porn file on to his work computer, a file that had child pornography mixed in with it. Regrettably, he was charged as a felon and now sits in prison for the next four years, and will spend six years on probation after that. His work is gone, his credibility is gone, his life will never be the same, and he will live the rest of his life tormented by the title of “sex offender”. I can tell you that I have never seen another human being go through so much remorse, regret, and gnashing of teeth as I have seen my husband go through this past year. It has been painful on so many levels.
The good news in all this is that, he has turned to Christ, accepted salvation, and has written to me from prison of how he now sees how destitute and spiritually dead he was and that God had to let him fall hard, or he would have spent eternity in hell. My heart breaks more than words can say when I think of where my husband ended up, and as hard as this all has been, I thank God for saving him. Although we are now divorced, I have forgiven him, I had to.
My life today is nothing like I have ever known and has been filled with public shame and humiliation, fear, isolation, remorse, and brokenness. At times I have felt so beaten down and broken by everything that has happened, but I have hope and I look forward to level ground again…someday. On the really hard days I find myself thinking the “If Only’s” over and over, “If only he would have talked to someone”, “If only he would have got counseling”, “If only he would have recognized his need for God”, “If only…”.
I have learned how important it is to keep myself in God’s Word daily, and pray for His guidance in the midst of excruciating stress and discouragement. He has sustained me, and in the midst of hurt and pain, He has brought me closer to a place of healing. For me, surviving the destruction of pornography and finding healing has been three-fold—it has been about relying on the grace of God, it has been about giving forgiveness and showing compassion, and it has been about choosing to live beyond my circumstances.
Thank you, Vicki, for the encouraging words you gave on the show today. I look forward to reading your book.