Recently an article from my blog was featured on Tim Challies’ blog Challies.com. It also was shared by Todd Friel on Wretched Radio member’s podcast on October 16, 2012. (You have to be a member to hear the podcast.) Thanks, Todd, for your impassioned sharing of the article.
Sometimes well-intentioned, but mistaken pastors say some hurtful things to a woman whose husband is addicted to pornography. Pastors, I want to be clear on this … I mean no disrespect by what I just said about well-intentioned, but mistaken pastors. You’d be hard pressed to find a bigger fan of God’s plan for the local church and the shepherds He calls to lead those churches than me. But if you could hear some of the things that women have been told by their well-meaning pastors, I think your heart would break.
My own pastor is teaching through 1 Samuel and we recently examined the story of Hannah when she was outside the tabernacle in Shiloh. It says, “While she was praying in the Lord’s presence, Eli watched her lips. Hannah was speaking to herself, and although her lips were moving, her voice could not be heart. Eli thought she was drunk and scolded her, “How long are you going to be drunk? Get rid of your wine?”
“To which she responds, I am a woman with a broken heart.”
Pastors, Eli thought he knew what was going on, he was trying to steer Hannah onto a path of sobriety … but in truth, he missed the heart of the problem by a mile.
If you missed either of these or are trying to find the article here is a quick Do’s and Don’ts list and a link to the whole article, Pastor’s Guide to When Your Husband is addicted to Pornography.
Do’s and Don’ts of Pastoral Counseling with the Wife of a Pornography Addict:
DO: Acknowledge her pain.
DO: Give opportunities to name and grieve her losses.
DO: Assure her she is not to blame for her husband’s choices.
DO NOT: Spiritualize the pain or offer well-intentioned platitudes.
DO NOT: Advise her to forgive quickly and without evidence of her husband’s repentance and sincere turn from sin.
You can learn more about and order my book When Your Husband is Addicted to Pornography: Healing Your Wounded Heart here.
After the Shock – Moving from Despair to Healing and Hope
The news was hard enough–the person closest to you in the world, your life partner, is struggling with pornography. But now, although the shock might have worn off, you are still reeling–feeling shattered, betrayed, alone. Where do you turn? Who do you turn to? Vicki Tiede, writing from personal experience, reminds you that no matter how you are feeling right now, you are not alone. You can turn to the God of all comfort and hope who promises to never leave you or forsake you.
When Your Husband Is Addicted to Pornography: Healing Your Wounded Heart is written to help you turn to God and away from despair. Healing comes as you learn to focus your eyes on Jesus and allow him to meet your needs rather than basing your hope and happiness on your husband’s choices. Vicki Tiede guides you through this process by focusing on six important topics: hope, surrender, trust, identity, brokenness, and forgiveness. Allowing God to meet your greatest needs is a long and learned process, but he promises to help you every step of the way.