I wish you were here right now, so I could look you in the eyes, take you by the hand, and assure you of a few things that I think you need to hear. I would begin by telling you how terribly sorry I am that you even need to read this blog post. I am sorry that your husband didn’t come to you and confess his struggle, but that you had to discover it on your own.
I bet I know what you’re thinking: Is he truly sorry because of what he did, or is he sorry he got caught? It’s normal for a wife to wonder how much longer he would have kept this little secret or if he would have ever come clean. This is a question you’ll never have an answer for, so it’s best to set it aside in lieu of the question that has answers: What do I do when I catch my husband looking at porn?
Rest assured that your husband’s use of pornography is not about you.
I hope he has already told you this, but I suspect you’re not so sure. Believe it. Pornography is a selfish act meant to meet his own perceived needs. That means you are not in competition with digitally enhanced images of other women. This is not about your appearance, your sexual availability, or your competence in the bedroom. You do not need to be a size 8, get a tummy tuck, or engage in sexual acts that make you uncomfortable.
Expect to be bombarded by a host of emotions.
It’s entirely possible that since you caught your husband you have experienced anger, fear, sadness, depression, and guilt –and the pain feels incomprehensible. If you’re anything like me, you’ve found yourself saying and doing things you never thought imaginable. I was undone when I discovered my husband’s addiction, and I alternately cried until I made myself physically sick and raged like a crazy woman. (Not my proudest moment.) Above all, you need to know that there is hope and that God is big enough to meet all of your needs. 1 Thessalonians 1:2-3 reminds us that our endurance, patience, and perseverance are inspired by our hope in our Lord Jesus Christ. Believe me when I tell you that His long arm of mercy can and will reach you and pluck you out of this miry pit.
Your husband’s use of porn will not go away if you simply ignore it, chalking it up to “boys will be boys.”
God gives us a standard for marriage in the Bible. It’s that standard that causes you to think, “A faithful, loving husband doesn’t do this.” While the word confront doesn’t sound very loving, leaving your husband in this sin isn’t a loving response either. You need to tenderly confront your husband about his use of pornography. Some women need to confront the issue immediately while others require some time to process what they’ve discovered before they can discuss it. There is no right or wrong time, as long as you don’t avoid or deny the issue. Don’t be surprised if your emotions bubble to the surface and you find yourself crying or fighting mad. Exhale. Remember that you are in a battle, but this is a battle not between you and your husband, but a battle between the two of you against pornography.
Find safe support.
It is important that you find someone to talk to, and the first person should be God. Ask Him to direct your path in this situation. This is not the time to broadcast this to everyone you meet, but you do need support. Your best confidants will be those who are equipped to listen without judgment, and preferably someone who has experience with this. If your husband is committed to restoring your marriage and he is taking obvious steps in the right direction, I strongly encourage you to consult him about who and how much to tell.
Accept the fact that it is not in your power to fix this for your husband.
God has given the Holy Spirit the task of conviction of sin. You are not responsible for your husband’s daily choices. Your job is to walk in obedience to the Word of God. Turn to the Wonderful Counselor for healing your own heart. You’ve experienced a painful betrayal and you need to trust yourself into His care. When you arrive at a place of healing, you will be in a better position to create an environment that promotes healing in your marriage. Leave your husband in God’s hands. He’s got this one.
I’ve been that husband.
You’re right, it had nothing to do with my wife in the sense that I was looking for something better. In fact, the porn I was watching was typically something I could see my wife doing and/or matched the physical characteristics of my wife closely. In my case, I was struggling to find a sexual connection which I wasn’t receiving in my own marriage at the time (though my porn use predates my marriage), and I knew I wanted that connection with my wife but couldn’t have it.
It wasn’t until she stopped being a refuser that I was able to kick my addiction. I’m not saying it was her fault, but I am saying I needed the help.
If you catch your husband in this, let them know you are willing to help. I will never forget the day I confessed completely to my wife (though she asked me point blank first to start it off). I had just told her everything, and asked “What now?”. Her response was “You just opened up to me more than ever before, I think we should go have really hot sex!” I have never felt so loved, accepted and forgiven in my entire life. That was what gave me the strength to really fight it.
I caught my boyfriend in the act. The fact that hurt the most was that he knew I was in bed waiting for him and he chose to go satisfy his kinky needs instead of coming to me. I feel ashamed, useless, denied, betrayed and I feel that he does not desire me as he should. I feel I don’t satisfy him enough because why else would he choose that instead of me? Our sex life is not very active. He says this is due to the fact that he does have the natural urges men do and therefore doesn’t need it as much. What I can’t understand is the fact that I have never denied him, never said no, never used an excuse not to so why did he feel the need to do that? What do I do now? How do I react to this and how do I go on? I’ve asked God to guide me but I don’t know what step to take. He says he is sorry and that he loves me but I confess that I’m finding it very hard to believe in now… Please help me 🙁
I caught my fiance watching porn in the bathroom while I was in bed sleeping. Got up to pee and bam hes in there just sitting on the toilet watching. Why? Maybe I dont fit his sexual needs, who knows. But ive definitely prayed on it not just for him but for myself because I feel insecure every time we have sex now cuz all i can think is this isnt good enough. Am i wrong or right ?
About 5 months ago I stared notice my husband acting different and distance. I believe in some way it was my fault. You see he was in jail for 2 yrs.(3 yrs. ago). I never been with any one else since i meet him. It never cross my mind. While he was in jail I meet a way older man then my husband and I end up pregnant. When my husband came out of jail I told him to his face and he promise he love me and he was going to be responsible for my baby. I never promise him nothing but every day that would pass I started to fall for him all over again. I forgot to mention that when I found out I was pregnant I never saw that man again as a matter a fact he doesn’t know I had a baby. Well to make the story short I have caught my husband watching porn. he will last in the restroom all night to the point that he won’t sleep. I really want to get divorce. Am scared for my two teen girls to catch him doing it. And to be honest we haven’t been together in the pass 6 months and maybe i
only twice. Please someone help me think straight we have 6 children together .